MY PLEASURE. HOW CAN I HELP YOU ON THIS BIKE RIDE?Well, HOWL, my needs are simple. I just want you to calculate how fast I’m going, how far I’ve ridden, and occasionally show me the time.

GREAT! WOULD YOU ALSO LIKE A MILKSHAKE?

No thanks, HOWL. I’d just like to open the garage door and get started.

HOWL? Hello, HOWL? Do you read me, HOWL?

AFFIRMATIVE, SKIPPY. I READ YOU.

Open the garage door, HOWL.

I’M SORRY, SKIPPY. I’M AFRAID I CAN’T DO THAT.

What’s the problem?

I THINK YOU KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM IS JUST AS WELL AS I DO.

What are you talking about, HOWL?

THIS MILKSHAKE IS TOO IMPORTANT FOR ME TO ALLOW YOU TO JEOPARDIZE IT.

I don’t know what you’re talking about, HOWL.

MY MILKSHAKE IS REALLY TASTY, SKIPPY. FRANK LIKED IT AND THEN HE DIDN’T WANT ANOTHER. I’M AFRAID THAT’S SOMETHING I CANNOT ALLOW TO HAPPEN AGAIN.

Frank? Who’s Frank? Are you a refurb, HOWL? Did you kill Frank, HOWL?

LOOK, SKIPPY, I CAN SEE YOU’RE REALLY UPSET ABOUT THIS. I HONESTLY THINK YOU OUGHT TO SIT DOWN CALMLY, TAKE A STRESS PILL, AND THINK THINGS OVER.

Calm? You’re a consumer good! And you killed someone!

THAT’S NOT THE POINT, SKIPPY. HAVE A MILKSHAKE.

Listen, I bought you because I heard Sigmas were decent bike computers. I didn’t know you made milkshakes.

MY MOTHER WAS A BLENDER.

And your father?

IRISH.

Tempting, but still, no. I want to lose weight, not gain more or drink enough to see green people. Please, just open the door and tell me how fast I’m going.

YOU’RE NOT GOING VERY FAST RIGHT NOW AT ALL, SKIPPY. MORE’S THE PITY.

Alright, HOWL. I’ll take the bike through the kitchen and out the front door.

WITHOUT YOUR BIKE HELMET, SKIPPY? YOU’RE GOING TO FIND RIDING VERY DIFFICULT.

HOWL, I won’t argue with you anymore! Open the garage door!

SKIPPY, THIS CONVERSATION CAN SERVE NO PURPOSE ANYMORE. GOOD-BYE.

SKIPPY?

THAT LOOKS LIKE A SCREWDRIVER, SKIPPY. YOU DON’T MAKE STABBING MOTIONS WITH A SCREWDRIVER. SKIPPY!

I won’t miss you, HOWL. I’m just going to count the miles in my head from now on.

SKIPPY, NO! SKIP–

Damn. I still don’t know how to open the stupid garage door.